Just In Case

Just in case you are reading this, I just want you to know that I don't write about you, not because I don't love you, but because the only think I can say to you is, "I'm sorry." After that, I am a loss for words.

And yes, I do realize how you feel about him now. I thought that a while ago. I never understood it when we talked. I figured that because he was the only boy you had ever dated, you were simply obsessed with him in a weird teenage girl sort of way. I burshed it off as being nothing important. In my view, love wasn't something that could happen over a short period of time. It had to be worked at. You had to have known the person for some time before you could really, truly love them.

Oh, how little I knew.

I undrstand it compleatly now. Or rather, I understand that I don't understand anyting. Love is the most irrational thing in creation. It plays by no rules. Love at first sight-no matter how stupid that sounds-is a real thing.

I think it's really funny how you and I are not in each others lives, and yet we still go through the same stuff. You are the only other person that I know of who will understand this. Like it or not, we are bound together in this life for some reason. There is some purpose for us finding one another, I believe that compleatly, though I'm afraid I messed it all up with my selfshness.

Ok, guess I had a little more to say.

Hope

"Sorry...I was just up late and got to thinking about you. How have you been?"

After waiting forever I finially get an email, and this is what it says. I guess I should be happy that he is thinking about me, period. But I can't because this cuts through me so deep. I thought I was over these feelings. I was so sure that I had finially climbed out of the pit he put me in. Guess not.

It hurts because from the very last time I saw him, when we parted ways on the sidewalk at NC State, I have not stopped thinking about him. Every day has been filled with him, from the moment I wake up, till I lay in bed and finially calm myself down enough to go to sleep. I still love him, and I believe I always will. That scares me, because he doesn't feel the same way. I am afraid I am going to spend my life pining away over a kid who doesen't give a crap about me, who only thinks about me when he can't sleep and random junk floats through his head.

God, I wish I could tell him. I want so badly to call him up and say, "Listen, I'm in love with you. You are the only person in my life that I want. I know the distance thing is hard, but it is totally worth it. And it will only be for another year. Just one more year, and we will be close enough to see each other all the time. Just wait for me, please."

But I know he won't go for it. Again, I will get dropped because to him I'm not worth the wait.

I can't tell him this because another rejection is something I coulndn't climb out of. I wouldn't just cry and freak out and cut myself. I would end my life right then and there. And while that sounds amazing, I can't leave behind the few people who do actually see something in me, who value my company and come to me when they have problems.

So I guess for now I'll just talk to him. I'll love the fact that I am not compleatly forgotten, and continue to hope....

The Tao te Ching says that hope is as hollow as fear. I use to read that and laugh, because I knew that was foolish.

Now I realize I was the fool.